I am not worthy of my eyes closing and dreaming of you because I fear your no’s wide awake. I am not of value because your stare isn’t enough, I want you in my arms cuddled up on the couch. I don’t deserve to breathe because I hold my breath in your presence, taking for granted the time I am wasting. I am not worth your faith because I Love escape when I refuse to take a step. I don’t deserve God because I have devilish thoughts of sexual lust. I am not because we aren’t and I want to be….
We hugged! I felt her heart on my chest. We kissed! I felt her skin against mine. My brain was erect! I thought of our life in its entirety. We smiled! I could see forever in sight. We walked away! I knew that home was the moment we were together again….
Today, I woke from the dead and mourning has ended. Looking at my body lifeless on the bed. I am ready to start again. Giving the spirit to move forward, I am thankful to have a second chance. Leaving behind the pain and seeing that joy is my purpose. Staring in the eyes of the people I Love, I am present. Alive in the facts that I am Loved. Passion leads me through a heartbeat being used to strengthen others. I have survived. So, I smile and find matching smiles….
The rain came before the sun. The umbrella, I placed over my head didn’t prevent me from being drenched. The storm was a message, we really wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We fought until we spoke the same language. We shared until it became natural. We hugged and kissed until we were pros. We ask hard questions expecting honest answers. We searched for where we related together. We never pretend we didn’t disagree, we expressed it. Sometimes we had to retreat to our corners, other times we stood in the middle of the ring and traded punches. I thought, I was protected by the umbrella over my head but I was drenched. She came from out of nowhere; clear skies, one gray cloud, then the whole world went black. My heart pumped, frustration became a normal emotion, but the greatest Love was somehow being built. She didn’t want my compassion, she wanted my truth. She didn’t shy away from my mind, she just challenged it to open up further. It was raw from the beginning until one day we were cooked. All of our truths on the table, we were ready to dine for a lifetime. Then, the sun came out….
I see her. But, she is blinded by yesterday’s pain, unforgiving of herself for allowing failure to be possible. She runs, from all that causes smiles and happiness. Discomfort has new meaning. When hugged, she pictures betrayal. When kissed, she only thinks how the saliva will dry. When Loved, she believes God hates her. Yet, I still see her. Everything I know her heart can be. The hope of a romantic Love that sees us both daring to risk everyone to gain everything. The pain in her eyes can’t blind her forever, and when she can see herself again. I want to be right there waiting….
The “Me Too” movement is much needed, but it should come with instructions on how to approach a woman. I am afraid to flirt, knowing that it could cost me my job, my integrity, and a chance at a longterm relationship. Should men now wait for women to approach them? When a man crosses the line, he should be called out. I support “rats” being exposed and shining a light on inequality. I just want some rules and regulations. When is it okay to express your interest?
I was sitting in a sexual harassment training and the lawyer stated that paying a compliment could be sexual harassment. She said, “That goes for men and women”, but it doesn’t apply to women. Women have given me unwanted attention. I expressed that it was unwanted and they started being nasty. A few of them told people, I was coming on to them. My mother told me women hate to be rejected. If this is known, why aren’t more men exposing women. Would people believe them? Is that the same fear women have as well? I have always wondered why oppressed groups don’t just fight for inequality across the board. Yes, the focus should be narrowed to make an impact, but if the oppressed stopped oppressing, the fight for inequality would make an impression. A man can dream! But, back on topic. “Me Too”, is highlighting an issue and that it should. I need to know, how can men correct the issue without losing the option of making their interest known….
A heart beat increases in the middle of the night, cold sweat invades your forehead, and your eyes are blood shot. You remember when it was great to have hope in the future. The belief, when you hugged them felt like forever. Then, it all changed. The reality of self before us became apparent. Life will never feel the same again. Those joyful smiles are lost in the anger of disappointment. The walks that seemed so romantic are devalued. You sit looking out the window at the emptiness of possibilities. Nothing makes you feel alive. Then, you walk pass a person, two eyes become four, then two again. Your heart begins to have life beating out your chest. Your teeth appear and the warmth of the sun had meaning. You remember the breathes you take are to Love, not live in misery. We walk toward the person, taking a leap of faith. You risk the heart beats increasing in the middle of the night, cold sweats invading your forehead, and your eyes being blood shot. Because, it is worth never feeling that lost again because you truly found a forever happiness….