The rain came before the sun. The umbrella, I placed over my head didn’t prevent me from being drenched. The storm was a message, we really wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We fought until we spoke the same language. We shared until it became natural. We hugged and kissed until we were pros. We ask hard questions expecting honest answers. We searched for where we related together. We never pretend we didn’t disagree, we expressed it. Sometimes we had to retreat to our corners, other times we stood in the middle of the ring and traded punches. I thought, I was protected by the umbrella over my head but I was drenched. She came from out of nowhere; clear skies, one gray cloud, then the whole world went black. My heart pumped, frustration became a normal emotion, but the greatest Love was somehow being built. She didn’t want my compassion, she wanted my truth. She didn’t shy away from my mind, she just challenged it to open up further. It was raw from the beginning until one day we were cooked. All of our truths on the table, we were ready to dine for a lifetime. Then, the sun came out….
My tempture baking, hot enough to cook a whole meal. You walked out the door, while I was in mid sentence, and I was trying to voice my passion for you. Now that I think about it, I am hurt. But, anger is the way I was raised to express myself as a boy. So, I have to be man enough to say, “You broke my heart”. I am left to figure us out by myself. I wanted us to work together, yet you don’t care about my wants. Actually, that was the problem the whole relationship. Me caring about you, you caring about you, and no one caring about me. Sad! Sitting here reflecting, I am chasing a ghost. You left because you abused me. The pain in my heart is so intense, I couldn’t breath once the door shut. With air reaching my brain, clarity is present. I am better off without you. I locked the door behind you….
I washed my hand of the madness between us, but you followed me into the next room. I am suppose to hold my anger, yet I asked for space, and you keep coming closer. The baby is in the next room crying, the other children are so used to our dysfunction they continue to watch television. They are laughing in the background as your voice increases with rage because I refuse to respond. I want to keep my family whole. How is that possible when together we are so unhealthy? I talked to my family and friends, it is some normal in their lives they tell me to thug it out. Your in my ear and I am ready to boil. I reach for the door to leave. You grab my hand, yelling at the top of your lungs, “You can’t walk out on me, you ruined my body with these children”. I turn with the devil in my eyes, “get off me”. You just grab me with your other hand, saying “I am not scare of you”. Pushing my buttons, testing my resolve. I have never hit you before but I am close. Teeth are clitching, jaw is protruding, and the vein in my forehead is ready to explore. The moment continue to weaken me. You are shaking me, my hand is forming a fist, and arm is cocking back. One of the children come out. “Mommy, Daddy, I am hungry. God used my lil girl to remind me of the man I am. I walk into the kitchen and start making the children something to eat. Continuing to live this life, hiding behind staying for the children, not seeing that staying is hurting my children.
I can hear your voice defending your negative actions toward me. I can see that you are inflicting pain on yourself because you don’t truly know how to apologize. This doesn’t make you humble, it makes you selfish. You never Loved me! You Loved how open I was to healing your wounds and my ability to recover as you cut me. I am done with you taking advantage of my healing factor. I am done with the drama of dealing with your anger. You don’t know what Love takes so therefore you can’t give it. I won’t complain no longer, I am taking action. Bye!!!!
I held my breath around her, in fear my words will hurt her feelings. I mean, I Love her, and that meant keeping certain things to myself. At least that’s what I was taught. So, I held my words and allow them to turn into anger and resentment. I became so unhappy, not believing I had a friend in my partner.
One day she came home crying about a hard day at work. I got angry and told her “I can careless about her little work problems”. She looked at me with this face of disappointment and disgust. My heart split in half as soon as her face turned. I know, it wasn’t her but me holding in all the truth I had to express. She got up and walked out the door, I run to the door begging her to talk, but she was silent. She just walked down the street. I cowardly closed the door and didn’t follow her.
I sat on the bed feeling sorry for myself, instead of fighting for my wife’s forgiveness. I wasn’t taught to communicate in a healthy way with women. I was just taught to protect their emotions, not seeing that communicating honestly would have protected the relationship. She came back, we spoke, but the pain I caused taught me to communicate with her more effectively. I could have lost everything, believing she wasn’t strong enough to handle my truths.