The rain came before the sun. The umbrella, I placed over my head didn’t prevent me from being drenched. The storm was a message, we really wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We fought until we spoke the same language. We shared until it became natural. We hugged and kissed until we were pros. We ask hard questions expecting honest answers. We searched for where we related together. We never pretend we didn’t disagree, we expressed it. Sometimes we had to retreat to our corners, other times we stood in the middle of the ring and traded punches. I thought, I was protected by the umbrella over my head but I was drenched. She came from out of nowhere; clear skies, one gray cloud, then the whole world went black. My heart pumped, frustration became a normal emotion, but the greatest Love was somehow being built. She didn’t want my compassion, she wanted my truth. She didn’t shy away from my mind, she just challenged it to open up further. It was raw from the beginning until one day we were cooked. All of our truths on the table, we were ready to dine for a lifetime. Then, the sun came out….
My tempture baking, hot enough to cook a whole meal. You walked out the door, while I was in mid sentence, and I was trying to voice my passion for you. Now that I think about it, I am hurt. But, anger is the way I was raised to express myself as a boy. So, I have to be man enough to say, “You broke my heart”. I am left to figure us out by myself. I wanted us to work together, yet you don’t care about my wants. Actually, that was the problem the whole relationship. Me caring about you, you caring about you, and no one caring about me. Sad! Sitting here reflecting, I am chasing a ghost. You left because you abused me. The pain in my heart is so intense, I couldn’t breath once the door shut. With air reaching my brain, clarity is present. I am better off without you. I locked the door behind you….
I am holding my breath, giving you time for my words to resignate. Closing my eyes because the pressure of talking someone I Love into being convicted, is giving me a headache. I want to quit! But, my heart is still beating and I don’t want to walk away from an investment I put my soul in. I can hear my bitter friends now, “I told you, you never give anyone all of you”. I refuse to let them or you kill my faith. My mind is race, my heart is breaking, and my faith is dying. Are you sure this is what you want? “Yes, this is what I want”. So, why is it taking you so long to invest your savings? We both said we were all in. Walking through life confident, head straight on my goals. Yet, you cripple me, when you was suppose to make it possible for me to fly. I am waiting, but I want to live. Our relationship is up in the air, we need to be grounded….
I washed my hand of the madness between us, but you followed me into the next room. I am suppose to hold my anger, yet I asked for space, and you keep coming closer. The baby is in the next room crying, the other children are so used to our dysfunction they continue to watch television. They are laughing in the background as your voice increases with rage because I refuse to respond. I want to keep my family whole. How is that possible when together we are so unhealthy? I talked to my family and friends, it is some normal in their lives they tell me to thug it out. Your in my ear and I am ready to boil. I reach for the door to leave. You grab my hand, yelling at the top of your lungs, “You can’t walk out on me, you ruined my body with these children”. I turn with the devil in my eyes, “get off me”. You just grab me with your other hand, saying “I am not scare of you”. Pushing my buttons, testing my resolve. I have never hit you before but I am close. Teeth are clitching, jaw is protruding, and the vein in my forehead is ready to explore. The moment continue to weaken me. You are shaking me, my hand is forming a fist, and arm is cocking back. One of the children come out. “Mommy, Daddy, I am hungry. God used my lil girl to remind me of the man I am. I walk into the kitchen and start making the children something to eat. Continuing to live this life, hiding behind staying for the children, not seeing that staying is hurting my children.
That argument last night displayed the passion we feel for one another but it also was a snapshot of how I don’t want to picture our future. We can get our points across without stealing each other’s self worth in the process. We promised to give each other value, but the partnership is losing interest. Our patience has thinned out over the years. We can’t continue like this. Fight over easily solved issues; keep quiet when we need solution and never allow one another to complete a sentence. We must not want to be together anymore because when we are together we just end up apart. I still see marriage when I look in your eyes, yet every time we look away divorce is more of a reality. After last night , I have been thinking until this morning and I want us to start over this evening. Will you meet me at our favorite restaurant? so, we can begin again. I am not ready to quit because I want to die knowing my life was spent with you….
My blood boils to a steam everytime we argue. You push my passion button to its limit. Must I curse you out to gain your silence, listen to me. Over talking me doesn’t accomplish the results we both intend to reach, peace. Please, my veins are protruding out my neck, my stress level is forming a headache. Is your intentions to kill me? Because every single time I breathe, you suck the air right out of me. Trust, your best intentions are my intentions. Trust, if you open your ears, your mouth wouldn’t be so dry. I Love you, you bring a beast out of me, that I’d rather trap. “SHUT THE FUCK UP, I AM DRIVING”! “See, the store right in front of us. I was going the right way.” “Now, say sorry”….
I wanted to grab your hand, pull you back, and press my heart against yours. But, we are so far apart, a hug wouldn’t bring us closer. You are tired of the tears running down your face. Shit, you are tired of holding your tears back. I am tired of having your back and believing no one has mine. I am tired of wondering what I have to do to gain clarity in your speech and honesty in your emotions. We are both tired of not connecting, yet we continue to disconnect. You’re tired of fighting and I think we need to fight until we get it right. Our ideals don’t match, that’s the detachment. We aren’t on different pages, we are reading different books. Yet, we are interested in the pages the other flips.