The rain came before the sun. The umbrella, I placed over my head didn’t prevent me from being drenched. The storm was a message, we really wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We fought until we spoke the same language. We shared until it became natural. We hugged and kissed until we were pros. We ask hard questions expecting honest answers. We searched for where we related together. We never pretend we didn’t disagree, we expressed it. Sometimes we had to retreat to our corners, other times we stood in the middle of the ring and traded punches. I thought, I was protected by the umbrella over my head but I was drenched. She came from out of nowhere; clear skies, one gray cloud, then the whole world went black. My heart pumped, frustration became a normal emotion, but the greatest Love was somehow being built. She didn’t want my compassion, she wanted my truth. She didn’t shy away from my mind, she just challenged it to open up further. It was raw from the beginning until one day we were cooked. All of our truths on the table, we were ready to dine for a lifetime. Then, the sun came out….
I am holding my breath, giving you time for my words to resignate. Closing my eyes because the pressure of talking someone I Love into being convicted, is giving me a headache. I want to quit! But, my heart is still beating and I don’t want to walk away from an investment I put my soul in. I can hear my bitter friends now, “I told you, you never give anyone all of you”. I refuse to let them or you kill my faith. My mind is race, my heart is breaking, and my faith is dying. Are you sure this is what you want? “Yes, this is what I want”. So, why is it taking you so long to invest your savings? We both said we were all in. Walking through life confident, head straight on my goals. Yet, you cripple me, when you was suppose to make it possible for me to fly. I am waiting, but I want to live. Our relationship is up in the air, we need to be grounded….
I washed my hand of the madness between us, but you followed me into the next room. I am suppose to hold my anger, yet I asked for space, and you keep coming closer. The baby is in the next room crying, the other children are so used to our dysfunction they continue to watch television. They are laughing in the background as your voice increases with rage because I refuse to respond. I want to keep my family whole. How is that possible when together we are so unhealthy? I talked to my family and friends, it is some normal in their lives they tell me to thug it out. Your in my ear and I am ready to boil. I reach for the door to leave. You grab my hand, yelling at the top of your lungs, “You can’t walk out on me, you ruined my body with these children”. I turn with the devil in my eyes, “get off me”. You just grab me with your other hand, saying “I am not scare of you”. Pushing my buttons, testing my resolve. I have never hit you before but I am close. Teeth are clitching, jaw is protruding, and the vein in my forehead is ready to explore. The moment continue to weaken me. You are shaking me, my hand is forming a fist, and arm is cocking back. One of the children come out. “Mommy, Daddy, I am hungry. God used my lil girl to remind me of the man I am. I walk into the kitchen and start making the children something to eat. Continuing to live this life, hiding behind staying for the children, not seeing that staying is hurting my children.
A smile can damage someone’s heart, when it is attached to the intentions of a criminal. A smile can also increase the blood flow of someone’s heart, when is it shared with longterm intentions. We fear the word “Commitment” because we are scared we can’t live up to our words. But we can! We can continue to be honest with ourselves, therefore we can be honest with what we truly have to offer. Stop selling a dream you arent going to spend your life constructed, so you can wake up to it. Stop holding someone’s heart in your speech, when you know your actions can’t maintain your grasp. We need to stop being afraid to show all of us. We should always put our hearts on display because when the beat stops, all that is left is who we did right by…..
Betty woke up everyday wishing Tom would stop drinking and cheating. She believed she was being loyal by dedicating everything she had to allow her marriage to function. At least that is how Betty was raised. Her mother stayed, raised three children, and her father was barely present. When he was home they would argue about other women calling, him not spending enough time home, and he would threaten to leave. Her mother would turn around and beg him not to leave. Betty thought the world of her father because when he interacted with her he was such a sweet and Loving man, but that interaction would only occur sparingly. Now, Betty is nursing her own marriage, holding on to the good times. I mean, she married him for a reason. He has a great heart, wasn’t afraid to commit to her, and made her feel special before the drinking, cheating, and anger. How could she turn her back when she gave her word?