I am not worthy of my eyes closing and dreaming of you because I fear your no’s wide awake. I am not of value because your stare isn’t enough, I want you in my arms cuddled up on the couch. I don’t deserve to breathe because I hold my breath in your presence, taking for granted the time I am wasting. I am not worth your faith because I Love escape when I refuse to take a step. I don’t deserve God because I have devilish thoughts of sexual lust. I am not because we aren’t and I want to be….
Go into the bathroom and wash the pain off your face, before it stains. We are connected so that you can find happiness not be a product of hurt. When you return, I want to start by giving you a hug, showing you that our heart are one. I want to sit and have an honest discussion about why those tears have invaded your eyes. They are blinding you of all the possible joy breathing can bring. You are no longer the person that stayed because you left. You aren’t all the negative remarks because you set a new mark. You have decided to raise your standards, and it will definitely create distance from those who have no standards at all. While you are still in the bathroom look in the mirror. Do you see the same scared person? Do you see the things your past has lied to you about? We are all insecure about one thing or another. But, what is going to separate us from others is we aren’t settling for those insecurities being our identity. We will look in the mirror, stare straight at those insecurities, and work toward being secure. Deep breath, deep breath! This is a passing moment from your past, lets start working toward your positive future. We are in this together….
Note to Self….
I am holding my breath, giving you time for my words to resignate. Closing my eyes because the pressure of talking someone I Love into being convicted, is giving me a headache. I want to quit! But, my heart is still beating and I don’t want to walk away from an investment I put my soul in. I can hear my bitter friends now, “I told you, you never give anyone all of you”. I refuse to let them or you kill my faith. My mind is race, my heart is breaking, and my faith is dying. Are you sure this is what you want? “Yes, this is what I want”. So, why is it taking you so long to invest your savings? We both said we were all in. Walking through life confident, head straight on my goals. Yet, you cripple me, when you was suppose to make it possible for me to fly. I am waiting, but I want to live. Our relationship is up in the air, we need to be grounded….
I washed my hand of the madness between us, but you followed me into the next room. I am suppose to hold my anger, yet I asked for space, and you keep coming closer. The baby is in the next room crying, the other children are so used to our dysfunction they continue to watch television. They are laughing in the background as your voice increases with rage because I refuse to respond. I want to keep my family whole. How is that possible when together we are so unhealthy? I talked to my family and friends, it is some normal in their lives they tell me to thug it out. Your in my ear and I am ready to boil. I reach for the door to leave. You grab my hand, yelling at the top of your lungs, “You can’t walk out on me, you ruined my body with these children”. I turn with the devil in my eyes, “get off me”. You just grab me with your other hand, saying “I am not scare of you”. Pushing my buttons, testing my resolve. I have never hit you before but I am close. Teeth are clitching, jaw is protruding, and the vein in my forehead is ready to explore. The moment continue to weaken me. You are shaking me, my hand is forming a fist, and arm is cocking back. One of the children come out. “Mommy, Daddy, I am hungry. God used my lil girl to remind me of the man I am. I walk into the kitchen and start making the children something to eat. Continuing to live this life, hiding behind staying for the children, not seeing that staying is hurting my children.
A woman told me she didn’t talk to me bacause “I Look like I know I Look good”
I said “Why wouldn’t you want a man that knows his value?” I added “Do you think I Look Good”
She said, “Yes”
So I said, “So, I have to wait for you to tell me I look good to acknowledge that about myself!”
She said “No”
“Well, you almost didn’t talk to me because you thought I knew about myself, what you ultimately thought about me”
She just laughed and said, “Plus you just confirmed my other thought, that you are a smart ass”
I wasn’t going to debate that….
Follow your heart, dance to the beat, and don’t allow doubt to stop the certainty of the journey. We are too subjective. We forget the subject is Loving life. Fight injustice, embrace justice, and challenge people to build the reality of “Love” as a faith. Happiness should be a destination that is shared, shaping our world through connections. We should never take joy in taking joy, we should never gain passion from stealing passion, and we should never use pain to get pleasure. Our hearts weren’t built for that. The differences are sold as what makes us individuals but those differences should be the reason we could form a stronger group. We are made with limits so we must interact with others to truly be limitless. So follow your heart, dance to the beat, and don’t be afraid to choreograph with others….
I can feel the creases in your eyes, I can sense the anger in your tone. You’re upset! Why are you acting like you aren’t? Do you believe you are weak because you’re vulnerable enough to display emotion or is it because you don’t want to care? You Love me and I you, a part of that Love means allowing yourself to express actual emotions. I have the power to hurt your heart in the worse way because I have the power to give you happiness. It’s physics. The higher in the sky the greater the impact of the fall, but don’t fear flying because you think we will die. Trust me, I built a castle in the sky and it’s built for two. So fly, be vulnerable, and lets live in the sky together.
Let’s talk about what is on your mind….