Mute, my voice has been silenced because you refuse to have truth leave your lips. Everything that once gave me life, has killed our growth, planted by weeds. You broke my heart by forgetting to let me in on your secrets. You have destroyed my ego because I let you in on mine. I attached you to my dreams by making you the queens of my creativity. Now, the cameras have lose their focus and I am left being the editor of whether we were ever right. Love had blinded me from seeing, I can see. You made a fool of me and for that I am angry. But, I am upset with you for not Loving the foolish me, the me that wanted to be happy….
My tempture baking, hot enough to cook a whole meal. You walked out the door, while I was in mid sentence, and I was trying to voice my passion for you. Now that I think about it, I am hurt. But, anger is the way I was raised to express myself as a boy. So, I have to be man enough to say, “You broke my heart”. I am left to figure us out by myself. I wanted us to work together, yet you don’t care about my wants. Actually, that was the problem the whole relationship. Me caring about you, you caring about you, and no one caring about me. Sad! Sitting here reflecting, I am chasing a ghost. You left because you abused me. The pain in my heart is so intense, I couldn’t breath once the door shut. With air reaching my brain, clarity is present. I am better off without you. I locked the door behind you….
I washed my hand of the madness between us, but you followed me into the next room. I am suppose to hold my anger, yet I asked for space, and you keep coming closer. The baby is in the next room crying, the other children are so used to our dysfunction they continue to watch television. They are laughing in the background as your voice increases with rage because I refuse to respond. I want to keep my family whole. How is that possible when together we are so unhealthy? I talked to my family and friends, it is some normal in their lives they tell me to thug it out. Your in my ear and I am ready to boil. I reach for the door to leave. You grab my hand, yelling at the top of your lungs, “You can’t walk out on me, you ruined my body with these children”. I turn with the devil in my eyes, “get off me”. You just grab me with your other hand, saying “I am not scare of you”. Pushing my buttons, testing my resolve. I have never hit you before but I am close. Teeth are clitching, jaw is protruding, and the vein in my forehead is ready to explore. The moment continue to weaken me. You are shaking me, my hand is forming a fist, and arm is cocking back. One of the children come out. “Mommy, Daddy, I am hungry. God used my lil girl to remind me of the man I am. I walk into the kitchen and start making the children something to eat. Continuing to live this life, hiding behind staying for the children, not seeing that staying is hurting my children.
I washed up on shore as the sun rose. I jumped into the water under a fully lit moon, hoping to forget everything. God had other plans. When I entered the water I was a heart broken fool that wanted the pain to subside so much that I was willing to not feel at all. Moments before I ended up with the water splashing against my feet, I was drowned by the Love of my life telling me we no longer had a life. My heart emptied, brain blanked, and my eyes swelled. I walked away in silence because I had no fight in me. I walked right into the sea, hoping to never resurface. But, God had other plans. I woke up to the warmth of the sun, choking from the water in my system, and my first deep breaths in what felt like days. Full of sand, I stood up, started dusting off my clothes, and started walking away from the sea. I realized what was once my end is now my beginning. The pain was still present but the gift of life reminded me I still had a shot at Joy….
We drifted apart. The arguments started to escalate to days of silence, passing one another in a home we built together. We slept back to back for months never once reaching across the invisible line we drew in the bed. It has become so normal to close our eyes and wake up to this as our reality and realistically it’s over. Yet, not one of us wants to say the words. We must both believe we have something left. We must both want to see this through, but the ghostly behavior continues. We have drifted, we have taken for granted the strength of communication. We stopped fighting, so I will say it, “It’s Over”! My bags will be packed at weekends end. Come Sunday night we will be a You and I and Monday will start the moving on process….
Her skin softened in my hands, it touched my ego. We would go all night, waking up in the morning just to let go. The dreams we had under the moon wasn’t reality once we woke up to the sun. She would get dress and return back to the life that she claimed was lifeless. Yet, she continued returning home instead of staying in mine. The chase would bore in theory but as soon as her eyes captured mine. I was caught up again in her empty promises. My heart will race, she would win, and i would go ahead in head first. I never took a second to stop and think, the day will come, and I would just be another knight; trying to convince a Queen, that I can one day be the king, her king could never be. Then, I realized I wasn’t royalty, I was just another man in armor, attempting to protect a damsel in distress which never was stress. She only wanted a side to go with her entree. But, I wanted to be the meat. So, I stopped giving her my sword and found my own kingdom with a queen that was willing to give me everything. And, I never looked back….
I sold you Love and you just couldn’t buy it. You wanted the earth, when I purchased the sun, moon, and stars for you. You preferred to keep in touch, when i was providing something you could reach for. I was full of faith by continuing to be faithful to the idea, of you being ideal. I ran toward you, while you were walking away. You chased something, you thought was greater than you and I. But, you found out too late that We were the best you can get, but it wasn’t the best I could get because I am holding someone that purchased the Love, I was selling. And, We are an Us. So, though, you and I have past, their presence, has given me a future. Thank God, I didn’t spend my last dime of my Love on you because now I am Scrooge McDuck in Love. Thanks for showing me, my worth. I appreciate it….