I washed my hand of the madness between us, but you followed me into the next room. I am suppose to hold my anger, yet I asked for space, and you keep coming closer. The baby is in the next room crying, the other children are so used to our dysfunction they continue to watch television. They are laughing in the background as your voice increases with rage because I refuse to respond. I want to keep my family whole. How is that possible when together we are so unhealthy? I talked to my family and friends, it is some normal in their lives they tell me to thug it out. Your in my ear and I am ready to boil. I reach for the door to leave. You grab my hand, yelling at the top of your lungs, “You can’t walk out on me, you ruined my body with these children”. I turn with the devil in my eyes, “get off me”. You just grab me with your other hand, saying “I am not scare of you”. Pushing my buttons, testing my resolve. I have never hit you before but I am close. Teeth are clitching, jaw is protruding, and the vein in my forehead is ready to explore. The moment continue to weaken me. You are shaking me, my hand is forming a fist, and arm is cocking back. One of the children come out. “Mommy, Daddy, I am hungry. God used my lil girl to remind me of the man I am. I walk into the kitchen and start making the children something to eat. Continuing to live this life, hiding behind staying for the children, not seeing that staying is hurting my children.
I want you to be the reason I know I have grown. I mean, just being in your presence should reflect, that I have moved passed my history of dating passing ideas. I want a concrete active relationship which shows I have lessened myself but have added something positive. I don’t just want to feel for you because we flow in and out of negative and positive. I want to believe in you, so when my eyes are closed I can still see you. I want the Love of a devotion that represents the dedication of two emerging into a faith together. I want to lose my mind, thinking through my heart because the process is so effortlessly mindless. Can we combine lives? Living for one another’s happiness. I want to commit to you until death has convinced me that it’s time to part….